away

life has grown more complex when your brain grows as well, at least for me. now i am always tangled in emotions which are strong yet foreign to me. Life ahead is bleak, my best times are over and i dont know if i would have another 1 soon. i hope that happy times come faster. The times now which i feel comfortable are just a consolation to the bigger sadder picture. NS is pretty tough mentally. The anguish to me is not physical, its like you are in prison, with limited freedom and can be suffocating at times. my physical health has never been so bad, so is my mental one. nothing seems to be on track. Sometimes i wonder if it would kill fate to just let me off 1 day. 1 day peacefully. They say you cant get anything out without hardship. 2 years is long, and honestly i am weary and tired. everyday is like a battle, one against time.

Growing up never seem more difficult than now, honestly, and there are times when i think i just need to cry. but i cant, that is the painful part cuz i am not the type that cry and be weak. i thrive and survive in hard conditions, it has always been so. but it is saddening that people think so too. they think that i am made of steel and i can never be down. guess i am so good at this that everyone thinks so. there is no outlet for me to be weak, to lie on someones shoulder and just scream or cry. this feeling cannot be channeled into anything, its like this trapped gas inside my chest that cant get out. how i wish i can call someone and just cry, than i realise that people always calls me.

i dont know if it is just me or there was some feeling, that could be true. i dont know, i know it is not normal but than what is. maybe i am just dellusional. but if this is true, why let it go. its not something my brain can comprehend. so i just chuck it aside in my head. but it haunts me all the time. how i wish things were much simpler.

乌云聚,柳飘飘,泪雨滴滴何时了.