the fear of change

i think it is only such times that i have to turn to my blog. i do not really know how to pen down my current feelings than to use the term confused and bewildered. my chest is compressed and i need to take deep breathe all the time. the world seem to now lack of oxygen. This suffocating feeling seems to be a sign of the emimnent failure or in this case death.

I have offically served 18 months in this organisation. Today is one of the bad ones. There were so many that i now cannot remember which was the worst. but this 18 months had made me so immune to what is happening here and allowing me to focus what is outside here. The shifting of house togther with my increased workload in office has taken its toll on me. the #Q@%$$ of certain things aggravated but instead of being worried and taken down by it, i just seem to think that i should just FUCK Care about them. 3 months has passed since my birthday. Time feels so slow and i can hardly feel my time coming up. Honestly, what have i gained from here? i guess i treasure the softskills i have learnt here and the people i got to know most. The rest are just so unimportant to me now.

i feel very lost sometimes thinking of what i want. i realised how stifling it is to not have a dream or a goal to look up to. i think i need a break to sort out my thinkings and really enjoy myself and think what i want next.

in two weeks time my life would change, drastically. now i have no house and no place to live in. I cant imagine the type of life i would be living, i hope for the better.