October

October was in fact a terrible month with many horrible incidents i shall not mention. i practicallly got every unlucky thing that one can face in that month. Almost all. i suddenly felt like i am the Lead Actor in " Just my Like" without Lindsay. i realised that life is very different now, i am forced to face somethings i really dont want to. procrastinate is no longer an alternative i can turn to anymore. i realised that i grew up alot this 7 months in NS. Not physically not more of mentally. i am maybe a more serious man, more reliable.

i woke up 1 day and than i started thinking about a topic that i have not thought for a long time - LOVE. well its time people start thinking about what they want and where they are heading. i am no alien to this word, but i am not very experienced at it either. but that day i opened my eyes and i asked myself do i love anybody. i think i was under the influence of the book "idiot" by Fyodor Dosteyevsky. it was a marvelous book about love, hope, society and fate. Perhaps the best book i have ever read. exciting and full of vigor yet not losing its depth, its extremism is novel to today's society even though it was a book written in the 19th century. 100 years and it seems that things have yet to change. but back to the topic of love, yes in the book love was extreme, love was beautiful but most importantly love felt so real. than i started questioning, have i ever loved anybody. my conclusion was maybe. than my second question was am i in love now? or am i capable of loving someone in the near future? i am confused. that's why i like Fyodor's novels it depicts and compels it's reader to think and search their souls. more often than not we find our hearts in confusion. we are not as firm as we think we are, especially when we start to think for both sides. and when both sides are equally strong we find it hard to take a side.
Do i love anyone? there was some feeling.. is it true or is it just an infatuation. is it pity or just to fill the emptiness? am i willing to die for love? No. so is that not true love? well many people are not willing to do so are they all not in love? is love really so extreme? or is it being wrongly portrayed by novels? after all who is interested in common love, writer have to exaggerate don't they? than the question comes back - what is love? how can i know i am in love?

i keep going in circles and came to no conclusion. Maybe the answer will dawn upon me when i least expect it to.